hello.
i've never done this before, so i think i'm really pretty nervous. blogging is something i've always wanted to do, but never had the motivation or bravery to do. what could i possibly say? what good is my voice in the world? is literally anyone going to listen? what if i say something completely wrong and offend everyone?
language is hard, that's why i'm a dancer.
but also language is the key to finding the dance.
i think right now though, amidst the COVID-19 pandemic, i need a place to put my thoughts and share these thoughts with others. i was talking to my professor Emily, and she was saying how something like this might be necessary for our survival right now. i think she might be right.
if you don't know me, hi. i'm caroline, otherwise known as caro by my friends. i'm 22 years old and i was born and raised in boston, massachcusetts by my crazy big dance family. i have a twin sister who i love dearly and share a passion of dance with at our great home UArts. i do a lot of things, but i think i love dance the most. which is why this time in the world is so hard for me at the moment.
learning that i wouldn't get to present my senior thesis in the way i imagined it for four years of my collegiate career completely crushed me. the kind of crushing that leaves you in bed all day, only getting up for some oreos and a glass of wine. i point blank didn't want to continue with this project. how could something meant for performance possibly transition to the digital space? do i want to ask my cast to film themselves in their backyard only to be interrupted by a parent calling them in for dinner? i'm still trying to come to grips with it, but i think in a way this blog is me doing that.
i want to use this place to bring people together and also educate people. i think maybe that that's what the world needs right now. i think i'm really passionate about mental health and sex health because they are so personal to me. i was first diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and various other forms of those mental health gems at the age of 16 after a manipulative relationship and tumultuous childhood. i think that's why trauma for me is so tied to love, loss, shame, and sex.
in my movement practice i try to work through the things that hold me. i try to take up every moment in my erotic power. (if you haven't read/listened to Audre Lorde's, Uses of the Erotic, The Erotic as Power, your life is about to change) moving in this way has opened a floodgate for me. i think i first found movement to come to me in this way when i started practicing Gaga. taking class and learning consistently from Bobbi Jene Smith taught me that as a woman i have the ability to command space with my body. realizing that flipped a switch in me. (enough for me to crazily travel halfway across the world to Israel and take class with Ohad, but that's besides the point...)
also this photo of us UArts hooligans always gives me a good laugh.
i also realize that almost every movement form that we fall in love with is inherently problematic. i think that's why my relationship with Gaga is so tumultuous. but i'm in the process of trying to reclaim that for myself. i think my dream in life is to help others reclaim their power through movement too. whatever that might mean.
i don't exactly know what i'm doing or how this is going to evolve, but i think that's how i make all of my work. this blog is my choreography right now, and i think that's okay. i think it's okay too if moving frustrates me right now. i think it's okay to be sad, but also still protect the world by self-quarantining. (PLEASE)
i'm excited to go on this journey.
thank you for listening, or maybe even just glancing.
be safe, healthy, and light.
xoxo
caro
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